I love my Bible, but I’ve gotta tell you: some of those stories in the Old Testament leave me scratching my head. Take these three gems, for example.
Baalam’s ass spoke
For the whole story, check out Numbers 22. Okay, so this was way before Donkey and Shrek. No animation here; this is a flesh and blood donkey engaging in conversation with her (it had to be a female, eh?) master Baalam, a prophet, after he put three beat downs on her for trying, unbeknownst to him, to protect him.
The donkey was the one who seemed to have the prophetic gift! God gave her speech, as well as the ability to discern the presence of an angel when Baalam, the “true prophet,” couldn’t. She actually saved his life by her actions.
Now, if my donkey had started giving me backchat, the speed with with I would have sprinted away from her would have made Usain Bolt look lame. But Baalam kicked it up a notch and answered her back, assuring her that she was “lucky” he hadn’t killed her. WTH!
The Sarah/Abraham/Hagar menage a trois
For the whole story, check out Genesis 16. I really don’t care how desperate you are for a child: who in her right mind pimps out her husband to her servant? Or was Hagar merely a precursor of surrogate motherhood?
Sarah, you must have known in your heart that a hot mess was gonna ensue from this ill-advised decision! And it sure did. Hagar got uppity on Sarah once she got pregnant, Abraham (typical male) removed himself from the situation, Sarah chased Hagar away, and Ishmael emerged in the middle of this baby mama drama.
Moral: don’t get ahead of God. That choice will creep up on you and bite you in the gluteus maximus. We’re still paying for Sarah’s decision, by the way. WTH!
The chopped-up concubine
For the whole story, check out Judges 19. It’s convoluted and gory, and the behavior of all of the men is very suspect.
A man ends up staying by a stranger’s house with his girlfriend. Some wackos come by demanding sex with the man, but the homeowner and the man instead push the girlfriend out of the house into the hands of these thugs, who rape her repeatedly. She is found outside the house in the morning, near death.
When girlfriend and mister get home, the man chops her up in 12 pieces and sends a part of her to each of the tribes of Israel, seeking to stir up revenge for her rape/murder.
Y’all, he lost me when to save his own rear end, bruh pushed his woman out of the house to be violated over and over. Which decent man does this to his girlfriend? Then he has the nerve, when he finds her crumpled up outside the house, to say: “Get up! Let’s go!” Huh?
Plus, we’re not clear whether she died at the doorstep, on the way home, or at his hand when they got home. And then he cuts her up and delivers her body parts all over Israel as a rallying cry for war?
This is beyond wrong on so many levels. WTH!
Which Bible stories leave you stunned … and not in a good way?