I spend upwards of two hours driving to and from work each day. It opens up a world of opportunity to glean what I like to call “road wisdom.”
1. Perhaps your wig/weave/extensions are in too tight? That might explain why you’re lurching from one lane to the next while you try to smoke, carry on a cell phone conversation (phone to her ear; ticket, anyone?), and still grab the wheel.
2. Texting while driving. Need I even go there?
3. I know it carries you from point A to point B, but that whoopty you’re driving is going to conk out any minute now. Before it dies in the middle of the road and holds up traffic throughout the Metro area, would you please consider (a) trading it in before it trades you in or (b) succumbing to new car syndrome and get a new one?
4. We’re all slowing down for a reason (there’s a cop ahead; we know because he’s been there every day for the last year). But you, road rage diva, please feel free to speed up and honk at the rest of us. I do believe a photo of your car, while you regale us with your stellar behavior, will be awaiting you in the mail in a few days.
5. Young’un switching from one lane to the next five times in five minutes, here’s a revelation: I will still meet you at the next light, and I will look over and smile sweetly at you!
6. Honking, cussing, and flipping the bird at me will not make me go any faster. It will, however, ensure that I will laugh heartily–to your increased chagrin.
7. Must you put your expletive-riddled music on blast? (Aren’t y’all glad summer is over for that one reason?) If I put my mind to it, I can probably use swear words more creatively than you AND the brainiac whose music you’re listening to.
8. Move back from my bumper and nobody will get hurt. But if you persist in drawing nigh to me, please hit me purposefully. I’ve been eyeing a bangin’ BMW and you might just be my ticket to that sweet thang… 😉
9. Staring lovingly into the eyes of your front-seat passenger while zipping along at 60 mph and veering uncontrollably into my lane is not wise, in any language. Me entiendes?
10. It’s really not a good look to shave, take out your curlers, uncomb your wrap, put on make up–whatever the personal grooming process you feel led to undertake–on the road.
11. Gentle sir doing 45 in the 55 mph zone, we’re looking at you … disapprovingly. *major side eye*
12. Ma’am with the silver fish on your bumper and various Christian paraphernalia in your car: what’s with the relentlessly aggressive driving? You’re bringing His name into disrepute. Stop driving like the enemy–or as if you’re headed to his crib!
13. Sis, I’m really feeling you on the need to praise while driving (PWD), but could you keep at least one hand on the wheel?
14. What domineering spirit takes over drivers of Hummers, Explorers, Navigators, Denalis, and other behemoth gas guzzlers? *makes the sign of the cross with index fingers* Away, ye workers of iniquity!
15. I won’t go in on small cars or female drivers. Wouldn’t know where to start … or end.